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14 January 2012 @ 08:27 pm
Lots on my mind, and I guess I should put it out there  
Been nearly a month since I last posted.  Not even sure if anyone is still reading this.  But I need something better than facebook or twitter sometimes.  I have meant to post.  Its just hard lately to put whats in my head to words.  Maybe its because my mind is always going a mile a minute and I cant slow down, or maybe I'm just not as good at expressing myself as I think I used to be.  I dont know.

Ever feel like no matter what you do in life, no matter how hard you try, how much effort you exert, your just never good enough? Yea. I feel like that in all aspects of my life.

My Dzadzi (Polish for grandfather) passed away this morning.  He was 98. He's the last of my grandparents to pass on, and this one hurts the most, because he's the only one I was really close with.  He was a mechanic and a tank driver in the Army in World War 2, was a machinist and a bunch of other things over the years.  I can remember being over at their house when I was a little kid, and getting to tinker with things in his basement workshop, or helping paint stuff.  I guess that's part of what put me towards where I am.  He was always so proud of what I was doing with my life and always wanted to hear the stories when I would be able to visit him.  I'm really going to miss him..... But it is for the best, his health was starting to really go downhill.  My mom said he only weighed 90 pounds. :-\ Hopefully he's back with my grandmother ,and looking for something to putter around with.

Im not happy here.  I've been here since July, and I have yet to make any friends.  I have a couple car guys I know up in Wilmington, NC about 90 minutes away, but I have to not be myself to a point around them, plus they partake in some stuff I want nothing to do with.  I dont even know how to make friends anymore since I dont like going to bars.

I feel like I'm kinda done with furry.  Havent even unpacked my suit since I moved.  I still like the art and whatnot, but desire to go to a con or a meet is at like zero.  I feel like there are much better aspects of my life that I could but that time, effort and money into. There's so many fake, shallow people.  I'm tired of meeting people who suddenly vanish when they find out you wont sleep with them, or the people that are all "we should hang out / play video games / do something" together and then just stop talking to you.  Stay classy you fucking retards.  And looking at the Carolina furs groups on Facebook and whatnot, its just a bunch of stupid derp kids that want to go be lifestylers everywhere they can.  Maybe I just miss the old days and the old ways?

Work... is.  I work a lot , but its partially because I have nothing else to do, plus I want experience.  I worked 23 days straight last month.  Busted ass this week to balance and rehang all the flight controls on an ATR72 for FedEx in under 2 days. Only to get yelled at because the plane isnt leaving on time due to something else. Its rough.  I'm working 2 weeks straight now because I want to try and see some stuff out on time, and when Im working I feel a little bit better about myself.  We did get a new Director of Maintenance at work  (my boss's boss)  and after talking to him, I'm hopeful that in the next few months things might get better.  Hopefully in March I will be going to Pratt and Whitney for training.

I want to go racing more.  I want the season to start.  I want to get back behind the wheel.  I'm truly happy then. But even that takes money I may or may not have.  Really want to go run some track days if I can get the scratch together.  Just give me a half hour of turning laps, time by myself, with my car, cause no matter what you think, sometimes Phoenix is the only one that understands me.

theres more.. relationship stuff, and some head demons... but I dont want to get into that now....
Tags: , ,
I'm Feeling: depresseddepressed
Listening To: Rawtekk: Snowflakes
The Inner Thoughts of a Checkered Mind......checkeredmind on January 15th, 2012 02:07 am (UTC)
I am really sorry to hear about your loss, hun. Your granddad must've been really special, and I can only imagine how proud he is of you for all you've accomplished. and I read your story and really I feel for you. the work is good in a way, but you dont deserve to be unhappy and dealing with derpy furs most of the time *hugs tight*
Cwningencwningen on January 15th, 2012 07:46 am (UTC)
It's way too early in the morning for me to create a coherent response.. but I'm commenting with hugs and love and pirating goodness... and because I read, but forget to comment sometimes!

Panzier: nosepanzier on January 15th, 2012 02:04 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear about your grandpa, keep the memories alive, sounds like he was an awesome guy to hang with.

Plan on AC, you'll have a blast, sometimes its good to bury yourself in work and then other times, its good to pop your head up and take a breath. Go racing, go to a con without expectations and enjoy the random insanity. I just snaggled a Focus SVT and it really begs for some track time and such, going through and doing all the neglected maintenance items now.
Tophertopher_fox on January 22nd, 2012 11:44 pm (UTC)
Ehh. Cons, any of them now that im not local to any, are gonna cost a lot of money, and my student loans are kinda taking up most of my expendable money, so I dunno if AC, let alone FWA is gonna happen.
I Am Not A Husky: kicked in faceshepherdwolf on January 16th, 2012 07:42 am (UTC)
i'm reading.........sorry about your grandpa. i hope things improve at work. are you at all considering a career change? i ask because they've made promises before... not to be a huge downer but i think you don't need any more disappointments.
Tophertopher_fox on January 16th, 2012 10:25 am (UTC)
This is my career change. Heh. I used to be a machinist and I built racecars. Then I went back to college to learn how to fix planes. Heh. Im hopeful that the new director of maintenance can turn it around a bit.....

And sadly, im getting used to constant dissapointment, heh.
The Watch Tower: White Tiger Powertigerman on January 16th, 2012 05:09 pm (UTC)
[hugs you]

You can get me on XBL and I'll play Castle Crashers with ya.

Or if you have Gears of War 3, definitely do that with ya.

Sorry about the loss of your grandfather, Topher.
FreezingHot: pic#115564495xxfreezinghotxx on January 24th, 2012 01:35 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear about your grandfather. 98 is a very full number and you may have to multiply that a couple times because it sounds like he's lived it to the fullest.


"who suddenly vanish when they find out you wont sleep with them"
*spits drink everywhere* Yeah! What's up with THAT SHIT! Why do people DO THAT? >;o
It's people like that that have my man all insecure about me hanging out with guys.


Yeah,we should totally hang out sometime. :|
Tophertopher_fox on January 24th, 2012 10:25 pm (UTC)
I know right? People lack tact and social abilities these days. *adjusts monocle while sipping tea*

And we need to hang out. I need some local friends >.< All I do is work. I'm mostly harmess and in a relationship right now! Maybe that will make him think I'm okay! haha